48: The Hidden Cost of Needing to Be Understood

Why does being misunderstood hurt so much?

For many of us, it's not simply because someone doesn't "get" us. It's because, somewhere along the way, our nervous system learned that being understood meant being safe, accepted, or loved.

As children, it made sense. We depended on the adults around us to see us, protect us, and respond to our needs.

But what happens when we carry that same need into adulthood?

In this episode of (re)Parenting Radio, I share a powerful breakthrough from one of my clients who spent years trying to get her mother to understand her. Then one conversation changed everything.

Not because her mother changed...

Because she did.

We explore:

• Why being misunderstood can feel so emotionally painful

• The difference between understanding and agreement

• Why over-explaining is often a subconscious protection pattern

• How emotional safety shifts from external validation to internal regulation

• What it means to stop abandoning yourself while trying to convince someone else

Sometimes freedom doesn't come from finally being understood.

Sometimes it comes from realizing you no longer need to be.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Reparenting Radio. I'm Lisa Watson, architect of human transformation. This is a space for leaders, parents, and anyone ready to break old patterns, regulate their nervous system, and show up in their life with clarity and self-trust. If you're ready to change the way you lead, love, and live, you're in the right place. Let's begin. Hello, welcome back to Reparenting Radio. Have you ever noticed how exhausting it is trying to get someone to understand you? Maybe it's your spouse or your mother or your child, a friend, maybe a coworker, your boss. You explain yourself, then you explain it in a different way, then you send the article, the podcast, you the text message, you replay the conversation in your head for the next three days thinking, maybe I didn't explain it well enough. Maybe if I just use different words, or maybe next time they'll finally understand my point of view. What if that's not actually what you're looking for? What if you're not trying to be understood? What if you're really trying to just feel safe? One of the biggest shifts in my work over the past few years has been realizing that our nervous system isn't nearly as concerned with being right as it is with being safe. When we're children, our survival depends on the adults that are caring for us. We depend on them for food, protection, comfort, love, connection. And when a parent misunderstands us, dismisses us, criticizes us, or withdraws or punishes us, our nervous system doesn't simply think, oh, they just don't understand me. It often interprets it as connection is in danger. But my connection to this person is in danger. And for a child, connection is safety, it's life. And so the child adapts and begins to explain itself. We begin to overexplain, maybe, defend our intentions. We become maybe incredibly skilled at trying to help other people see our perspective. Not because we're trying to win or be right, but because somewhere inside of us lives a child who learned if they understand me, maybe they'll stay connected to me. And that becomes the equation. Understanding equals connection. Connection equals safety. The problem is we grow up. And most of us don't update the equation because understanding isn't agreement. And one of the mistakes we often make as adults is assuming that if someone truly understood us, they would agree with us. But understanding and agreement are not the same thing. I can understand why you feel the way that you do without sharing your perspective. Healthy relationships don't require agreement. They require curiosity, the willingness to let another person's experience exist, even when it's different from your own. Even if you can't understand it. This week I was working with a client who has spent many years trying to get her mother to understand her. Not necessarily agree with her, but just understand and accept her as she is. If her mother could just see her perspective, maybe she'd stop criticizing, maybe she'd stop withdrawing, maybe things would finally feel different. And after our session this week, something shifted. When presented with the opportunity from her mother, instead of explaining herself, she simply replied with one sentence, which was I am unavailable for this kind of interaction. And the next morning she sent me a text not to tell me that her mother had changed, and not to tell me the relationship had become easy. But what she wrote was I am shockingly unbothered. And that sentence stopped me in my tracks because she hadn't changed her mother. She updated a rule her nervous system had been carrying since childhood. And for the first time, her nervous system experienced something new. It experienced the feeling that she could survive even if someone misunderstood her. And that someone being the person who she needed connection from the most when she was a child. And for her to be able to shift her nervous system, adjust herself enough to know that she could survive even if her mother still misunderstood her, that's where her peace came from. Not from being understood, but from realizing that her safety was no longer dependent on someone else's understanding. And that's a completely different way of living because as long as our peace depends on another person's awareness, our nervous system never gets to rest. And I think that many of us confuse validation with regulation. We think if they admit they hurt me, if they acknowledge what happened, if they finally understand, then I'll feel better. And sometimes that is true. But often the relief that we're looking for isn't on the other side of their understanding. It's on the other side of us trusting our own experience. The moment we stop abandoning ourselves while trying to convince someone else, our nervous system begins to relax. And this completely, you know, can change the way that you look at parenting as well. Because children don't need parents who perfectly understand every feeling they have. They need parents who stay curious, who believe them, who make room for their experience. Because when children repeatedly have to argue for their own reality, they often become adults who spend decades doing exactly the same thing. Think about how often adults respond to children without even realizing how they're dismissing their experience. A child may say something like, I don't like that. And a parent may respond with, Oh yes, you do, you had it before. Or maybe the child says, I'm not tired, and the parent says, Yes, you are. Or a child says, That scared me. And we say, Oh, don't be silly, there's nothing to be afraid of. Or maybe they say, That hurt my feelings. And you say, Oh, it was just a joke. Or they come home from school upset about something that happened with a friend, and instead of asking them to tell us more, we immediately explain why the other child probably didn't mean it. Don't take it personally. Notice what we're communicating. We're not saying help me understand your experience. We're saying let me tell you what your experience should have been, how you should see it. Without allowing them to see it in their own way. Curiosity sounds more like, oh really? Tell me more. What didn't you like about it? What made that feel scary? Help me understand what happened. Hmm, I wonder why that felt so big for you. Notice that curiosity doesn't require agreement. It doesn't even require that we would have felt the same way. It simply communicates your experience is real enough that I'm willing to understand it before I try to change it. That simple shift teaches children something incredibly important. They don't have to convince someone that the reality exists before it's worthy of being heard. Think of all the behaviors that no longer serve you now. And now we don't have to do the same thing to the next generation. Maybe someone in your life will never understand you. Maybe they'll never apologize. Parents seem to be really good at that. And maybe they'll never see the situation the way that you do. That doesn't mean your experience wasn't real. It doesn't mean your feelings weren't valid, and it certainly doesn't mean your healing has to wait. Healing begins the moment you stop making your emotional safety dependent on someone else's understanding. Because today your safety doesn't depend on whether another person understands you. It depends on whether you abandon yourself trying to convince them. You're not broken. You're patterned. And sometimes the pattern isn't needing people to understand you. It's believing that you can't be at peace until they do. It's believing you're somehow not safe unless they understand you. And that's a big difference. So thank you for tuning in today. I appreciate you. And if today's episode resonated with you, I think you will really enjoy my newsletter if you're not already signed up. Every Tuesday I share a personal story or insight that goes beyond the podcast. Just moments from my own life and coaching that invite you to see yourself a little differently. And the links to join are all in the show notes. And if you haven't already, check me out on YouTube. Every week I share a new podcast episode along with a new series that I'm doing every single day. It's called The One Minute of Awareness. It's a short series and it's designed to help you recognize the patterns that are shaping your life one minute at a time. So until next time, remember, you're not broken, you're patterned. And patterns, they can be changed. Thank you for listening to Reparenting Radio. If today's conversation supported you, take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who knows they were made for more than the patterns that they inherited. If you're ready for serious inner work and real transformation, personally or professionally, you can explore my leadership pathways at Lisa-Watson.com. And if you're raising little ones alongside your own healing, you'll find my children's books at awakintheone.org. Until next time, stay grounded, stay open, and keep reparenting the parts of you that are ready to come home to their authenticity.